the cure to suicidal ideation
This time last year, the Covid pandemic sailed through the world killing 539 thousand people in the US alone. The Black Lives Matter movement brought a voice to many younger generations who had not yet experienced activism in their own hands.
I was derailed from what I thought was my future.
October
I was flying home from San Francisco to Rexburg, Idaho during one of the darkest times in my life. Without the distraction of my phone, I took this time to carry my journal and The Sacred Enneagram” by Christopher L Heurtz with me through my journey. According to Christopher, there are nine different dominant personalities that make up our human experience. The natural personality I lean towards is the lover/giver. I used to always think that to be a healthy two I must be a master at giving. I later realized healthiness was being a master at balancing the act of loving others, loving myself, and allowing myself to be loved.
Huertz wrote
“the Givers withdrawal to solitude consent to be present to God rather than to please God, which allows them to be filled by God with the love they long for.”
I experienced this same truth diving deeper into yoga and the solitude of meditation. Yoga can also mean to yoke.
To get to this space where I could yoke my mind, body, and spirit, I first had to let go of any ignorance I had.
I discovered this way of being by Alice Miller in her books “The Drama of The Gifted Child” and “Thou Shall Not Be Aware.” Miller was a Polish-Swiss psychologist, who is noted for her books that cover the reasons why we behave from societal, cultural, and generational pressures and habitual training.
According to Miller, the gifted child in this type of situation stops growing when they are raised on how to survive life-based on their caregivers' experience of surviving it.
This is almost inevitable as survival is engraved into our genetics. Our parents subconsciously raise us with the same habits their parents took on, that their parents took on from their parents, and so forth. Because the child cannot learn and differentiate their true self, they feel emotionally isolated and homeless. “In adulthood, the child who has always tried to please their parents is constantly looking to others for approval and will feel more and more disconnected from their inner selves.”
That disconnection within myself is where my suicidal ideation was born. The denial of one's emotional reactions and the self is one of the origins of depression as well as the root of all suffering.
As said by Marilyn Wedge, “In becoming the “perfect” child of her parents’ dreams, the gifted child loses something very precious. She loses her true self. In becoming her parents’ ideal child, she locks away her true feelings in a kind of “glass cellar,” the key to which is thrown away.”
I realized that this is everyone's case. We are all an accumulation of every moment that has led up to the now, and we are involved in others' experiences as they are involved in ours. We cause and experience pain in one another's lives as much as we cause joy. We all have a glass cellar to which the key is lost.
Thich Nacht Hahn used the analogy in his poem “Please Call Me By My True Names”, comparing the journey of a pirate and a young refugee. A pirate is born in horrid circumstances, he then grows to rape a young refugee child.
“When you first learn of something like that, you get angry at the pirate. You naturally take the side of the girl. As you look more deeply you will see it differently. I saw that if I had been born in the village of the pirate and raised in the same conditions as he was, I would now be the pirate.”
- TNH
I was sexually assaulted when I was eighteen.
I held that pain and anger towards him for years like a toxin. I never thought to see things differently, breaking my wall of ignorance.
If I had experienced all that he had experienced, chances are I would have been in the same place to inflict that pain on someone else.
When one of us hurts, we all hurt. Our choices are not just based on our own experiences, but our relationship with the society around us. When one does something hurtful it is not their fault, but the fault of everyone. In understanding that, I want nothing more than a society where yoga is as important as eating three meals a day. Through recent studies, we are seeing that even genetic dispositions are changing through yogic practices. This means that what is genetically interwoven into our being of survival can be altered to focus on living in a more blissful state.
“When they are blissful by their nature, why would anyone take their own life? Why would anyone be depressed?” (Sadghuru).
By increasing the amount of endorphins the brain releases, Yoga can help prevent suicide. The Ohio State University reports that yoga can even help veterans suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, a mental disorder that can lead to suicidal thoughts and attempts. There are yoga available to veterans in numerous Veteran Hospitals across the country that assist in helping veterans learn techniques and yogic habits to implement when they are faced with triggers.
As we are using Yoga as a tool to connect and bring peace to our inner being, it is only after it is liberated that the self begins to articulate, grow, and develop its creativity, an unexpected wealth of vitality is now discovered.
“This is not a homecoming, since this home has never before existed. This is a creation of home within us. Yoga can help with this internal creation.”
- Miller
Today I stand with a deeper connection to the divine than I ever have in my life. I breathe, and I feel connected to everything around me. I listen, and I hear myself in every person's words and stories. I hurt someone, and it hurts me. God isn’t what they used to be anymore. I grew up believing our church is the only true church, and now I see the truth in every single one of them. It’s the same story repeated again and again. I ask myself if there are many truths to get back home, are there many possibilities as to what that home might be?
I am healed.
I practice this understanding and relationship of my inner self and my relationship with those around me through the practice of yoga. Yoga is not just our experience on the mat, but off of it as well. I breathe deeply in meditation and when walking to class or having a stressful conversation. I release my ignorance when I notice it and provide opportunities to understand and grow within myself.
My therapist who was with me on this journey gave me the quote, “We cannot love people we constantly betray ourselves with.”
I no longer betray myself, but honor who I am and who I am no longer struggles with suicidal ideation. I still love you, but I love you not only for what you are but for what I am when I’m with you.
I no longer betray myself, but honor who I am
and who I am no longer struggles with suicidal ideation.
I still love you, but I love you not only for what you are but for what I am when I’m with you.
Citations
Wedge, M. (2012, June 27). The drama of the gifted child. Retrieved March 19, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/suffer-the-children/201206/the-drama-the-gifted-child
Dorlee, Crawford, M., Says, D., DorleeN, Crawford, M., Langlois, M., . . . Goldberg, A. (2015, March 29). Exploring Alice MILLER'S "The drama of the Gifted child". Retrieved March 19, 2021, from https://www.socialwork.career/2012/05/exploring-alice-millers-the-drama-of-the-gifted-child.html
Suffer the little children. (2005, April 20). Retrieved March 19, 2021, from https://www.theguardian.com/society/2005/apr/20/childrensservices.books
A;, M. (n.d.). The drama of the gifted child and the psycho-analyst's narcissistic disturbance. Retrieved March 19, 2021, from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/457342/
Suicidal thoughts, depression and yoga. (2020, June 29). Retrieved March 19, 2021, from https://isha.sadhguru.org/us/en/wisdom/article/suicidal-thoughts-depression-yoga
Adam Gerbman. (2019, July 12). Suicidal thoughts and depression: 7 holistic ways to prevent suicide. Retrieved March 19, 2021, from https://vantagepointrecovery.com/suicidal-thoughts-depression/
Type two. (n.d.). Retrieved March 19, 2021, from https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-2
Essay For DANCE396 | BYU-IDAHO | Winter 2021